What piece of work is a man?

Bite the apple, take your life

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:23:54 GMT

I know it's a day late, gorgeous girl, but Happy Anniversary again. I will always love you, you're my amazing angel and I'm looking so forward to seeing you again next week. :D I adore you. xxx

I'm walking down your street again

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:59:05 GMT

Hey, does anyone know where pyrocrastinator went? I saw that she deleted her journal a few days ago and I was just wondering if anybody knew what had happened.

NTBM: Part Two

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:19:54 GMT

As soon as they got there, Nella started to panic. Staying at home when they were like this was fine, they could do whatever the hell they wanted there and everything would be fine. But here, it was a completely different story. What if the Chick got lost? What if she looked like a horrible mother? She knew her friend was still in there, that it wasn't a completely new four year old girl, but what if it was still obvious to everyone that she had no fricking clue how kids worked? She was already positive that she had broken some kind of law by putting the Chick in her normal position of shotgun.

She leaned back in her seat. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."

The girl undid her seatbelt, preparing to get out. "Of course it was. Now would you let me out?"

"Dude, what if this all goes wrong?"

Her friend rolled her eyes. "Would you just relax and act normal for once in your life?"

She looked over at all the parents and their kids walking around the park. Some were happily holding hands and eating ice cream like they were in a commercial, a few were trying to deal with kicking and screaming brats and a couple of parents were shouting at each other while their children got ignored or made their own fun. In all honesty, they would fit right in.

"We'll be fine."

"Was there any ever doubt? Now let me out, woman."

**

Linkara wasn’t feeling too much like himself. The sugar high was starting to wear off, he had been a child for far too long and Dr. Insano wasn’t as nearly as much fun when he was five foot above him. And to top it off, that high-pitched mumbling sound that was coming from one of the bottom shelves was starting to annoy him beyond all rational belief.

He looked around and found that Dr. Insano was nowhere to seen. Good. He grabbed the pink ball, dropped it to the floor and squashed it into a dead, gloopy mess underneath his boot. He planned on regretting this later but right now, he was just glad that his enemy didn’t have anyone but him.

**

“You gave him a fucking cattle prod?!”

The Critic shrugged. “It was for his birthday.”

He asked again. “You gave him a fucking cattle prod? What were you thinking?”

The boy rolled his eyes. “Uh, hi? Coward here? I give him things and then run the fuck away.” But unheard by Ask That Guy, there was a tiny note of pleading in there, trying to get him to understand.

He slumped down in the armchair, rubbing his temples. “That’s like giving Hitler a country because he asked nicely.”

“Could you not compare me to Hitler?” Ask That Guy… asked, playfully.

The Critic snorted. “Dude, you are far worse than Hitler.”

“That’s very true. But it still hurt my feelings,” Ask That Guy sniffed, a wicked gleam in his eye.

“Ooh, remember last Christmas, when you got really drunk and tried to find new ways to kill me?” the Critic asked, talking more like it was something inconvenient rather than something traumatizing.

“Best Christmas ever,” Ask That Guy reminisced, with a creepily dreamy smile on his face.

“For you, maybe,” the Critic pouted.

“Says the guy who wore a tiny, red miniskirt and hooker heels for some unknown reason.”

While his brain was short-circuiting at that image, he managed to hear the Critic say “Didn’t mean I was having fun while you were torturing me, dumbass.”

“Obviously you enjoyed it. Admit it; you’re a crazy little masochist.”

"I don't think you can win this one, Critic," he piped up from his armchair at the same time, recovering and enjoying the show.

"Shut up."

"You know you could probably still die by bleeding out completely, right?" Ask That Guy smirked.

The Critic clapped sarcastically. "You should get an award for being this morbid."

The other boy bowed in thanks. "I do try. Now both of you piss off, I’ve got stupid questions to answer.” With that, he walked into the study, straightening his bathrobe.

The Nerd watched him go, used to things by now. "How the hell did you two end up sleeping together anyway?"

"I, uh, was just bored one day and I ended up in his lap," the Critic replied, suddenly blushing an amusingly dark shade of red.

He snorted, ignoring the logical part of his brain that told him it was very wrong to talk about sex with a six year old. "Slut."

The child grinned. "You're the only one who makes that sound like a compliment."

“Whatever. Want me to do dinner?”

The Critic raised his eyebrow in disbelief. “You can cook?”

“Obviously. Can’t you?”

“Why the fuck do you think I live off cereal and pizza?”

**

Dr. Insano hadn’t felt this shitty in a long time. He had found a smug-looking Linkara in the living room about an hour ago. If that hadn’t sucked enough, the pink stain on the carpet and on Linkara’s shoe was what broke him completely.

He didn’t even remember what was said. All that stuck out was white hot rage, lots of yelling and Linkara eventually running off somewhere in tears. None of which had actually made him happy. So he scraped what was left of his son and placed him delicately on the very top shelf. It was the least he could do, after all.

But when he had actually found Linkara hiding under the bed, the boy was in no mood to chat.

“Hey, Linkara.”

“…”

“Would you like to come out from under the bed?”

“…”

“Do you want to go and get some ice cream? I know how much you love chocolate and the shops are probably still open.”

“…”

“I’m really sorry for yelling at you.”

“…”

“Do you think you could tell me why you destroyed my son?” That probably wasn’t the most tactful way to put it but, as he said before, he really wasn’t good with kids.

“…”

“Or at the very least, talk to me?”

“Don’t feel like it,” he said, sullenly.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?”

Judging by the silence, he took the response to be a big, fat, resounding yes.

But he wasn’t about to give up now, so he phoned up MarzGurl and hoped like fuck that she would be able to sort things out. When she picked up, he immediately blurted out “For the love of God, help me.”

“Huh? Dr. Insano?”

It came out in a long string of words which he hoped she would somehow manage to understand. “Linkara’s a kid now, I thought he was going to be easy so I let him have candy and then he was on a sugar high and he was destroying everything and I kind of lost it and screamed at him and now he hates me and we both need our favourite woman to sort things out so can you come over and if you say no I’ll burn your house down?”

That obviously didn’t work, judging by her confused reaction. “How the fuck am I supposed to understand any of that? Slow down and start from the beginning.”

He took a deep breath. “Alright. Linkara’s a three year old again.”

There was a pause as she processed this. “Oh-kay. What did you do?”

He bashed the phone against the table in frustration. “I had nothing to do with this!”

“Okay, okay. Tell me what happened next?”

“Well, he was being really quiet and reading comics like a good boy so I let him have candy…”

“And that’s the stupidest thing you could possibly do. Next?”

“He obviously went crazy and he destroyed nearly everything, including my new son.”

She paused, taking this in. “I’m sorry. But I’m guessing you really didn’t take that very well, right?”

“I really lost it and screamed at him. I don’t even remember what I said.”

There was silence on her end. That really wasn’t helping his nervousness. “MarzGurl? Please say something?”

“Did you at least try and talk to him afterwards?”

“I tried but I don’t know how and now he hates me and he won’t talk to me and I don’t even have my son anymore.” Holy shit, was he about to cry?

She took pity on him. “Sweetie, just calm down, okay? Would you like me to come over?”

He sniveled, willing to wallow in his patheticness. “Please?”

“I’ll be right down. By the way, good God, you men suck. I never get these problems with Little Miss Gamer.”

That cheered him up slightly. “Yes, please mention your girlfriend as often as possible. That makes me happy.”

“Oh, darling, I and all bisexual women exist to make you happy, right?” she said sarcastically. But fondly, so it was alright.

**

Nella was exhausted already. It was a hot, humid day in LA and seeing as how the Chick was far too young to going to be on any rollercoasters, there wasn’t much air to be had. But the massive ferris wheel was fun, the tea-cup ride induced nostalgic feelings for her childhood, the sparkly unicorns on the merry-go-round were actually pretty cute and, luckily for her sanity but not her wallet, the Chick was quite happy – but not too happy, thank God – to spend her time eating pink candyfloss.

At the moment, they were sitting on one of the benches in the playground. She was too busy feeling the after-effects of too many sweets to notice at first but eventually she caught eye of three boys hanging around the swings, looking about five or six and all with spiky hair, who were looking at them with interest.

"I think they like you," she said to the Chick with a smile.

"Would they get scared of me if I told them I was really twenty-four?" Knowing the Chick and the particularly evil glint she had in her eye, she'd bet money that she'd be more than happy to.

"Why don't you go play with them? They look non-annoying enough and I'll still be here, recovering from all that candy floss you made me buy."

The girl wrinkled her nose in disgust, teasingly. "Why would I do that? I'm a lady with self-respect."

She snorted, being sure to keep her voice low so nobody would hear her discussing sex with a four year old. "Lindsay, honey, getting a man pregnant doesn't exactly scream self-respect."

The Chick bit her lip, deep in thought. "Does the Critic really count as a guy, though?"

She giggled, twirling her finger in her girlfriend's hair. "Only technically."

"So it doesn’t count," she smirked in response. "And besides, being a fairy's daddy is something most women can't accomplish in this day and age."

"Exactly," she said sarcastically. "You should be proud of yourself. Just like you should be proud of yourself for having a foursome with Spoony, Goggles and Benzaie.”

The Chick winced, looking down at the tarmac uncomfortably. “In my defence, I had no idea what I was doing that night.”

She understood, putting her arm around the girl and cuddling her closer. “I know, sweetie, I know.”

The Chick perked up five seconds later, changing the subject completely. “Ooh! You know what else I could tell them? I could tell them that I have robot limbs and I could crush their necks with a squeeze of my hand.” She made a move to rush over there but Nella stopped her before she could.

“While I dislike kids as much as you do, can we not traumatize them for life?”

There was a pout. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t feel like having mothers coming over to me and calling me horrible at the moment.”

The Chick sat back on the bench, looking sulky and folding her arms. “You’re no fun.”

She rolled her eyes, trying to look for something else they could do and finding one of those stalls where you could shoot targets and win prizes.

She grabbed the Chick’s hand. “Come on, I’ll make it up to you.”

When they got there, the teenager running it smirked at them. “Are you sure you can do this, Miss? It’s a hard game.”

“Whatever. How much is it? How do I play? And how do I get one of those big toys for my daughter?”

The guy looked at both of them and raised an eyebrow silently.

“I had her at a young age, okay? Now gimme the details.”

He rattled them off, bored and having had a long day. “Three dollars to play, you have to shoot the moving ducks in under three minutes and hitting six will get you one of the big prizes.”

Before she could give him the money, the Chick tugged at her sleeve.

“What is it?” she asked, leaning down to her level.

“Sure you can do this? I’ve never seen you pick up a gun in your life.”

She patted her on the shoulder confidently. “Just wait.”

Her confidence paid off. She cocked the gun out of habit and shot seven of the stupidly-grinning duckies in the allotted time. She put the gun back and grinned when she saw the teenager looking impressed and the Chick looking pleasantly shocked.

“How the hell did you learn to shoot so well?” the Chick asked in a sotto voice.

“It is just a game honey, it’s not like it’s a real gun,” she responded modestly.

The kid rolled her eyes. “Tell me honestly.”

“When I was little, my Dad took me out to watch me and his friends hunt. Happy?”

The Chick pulled her down even more, until her lips were right next to her ear. “Keep this between you and me… but that was actually pretty hot.”

Before she had a chance to respond, the guy running the stall interrupted her. “Miss?”

“Mmm?”

“What prize would you like?”

She honestly had no idea what to choose. The big toys all looked so… big. “Uh, Lindsay? It’s your choice.”

The Chick didn’t take too long to decide as she pointed to a monstrously huge, presumably very cuddly, snow-white polar bear hanging at the very end. “That one, please.”

The guy smiled, unhooked the bear and gave it to her. “There you go, sweetheart.”

Nella had to stifle a giggle; she could only just barely see her friend’s pigtails over the toy. “Want me to carry it, Linds?”

“That would be lovely,” the Chick muttered, deadpan.

**

MarzGurl really didn’t know what to expect but she really wasn’t expecting a guy in goggles to hug her fiercely and slightly desperately as soon as he had opened the door. When it had gone on long enough, she patted him on the back awkwardly. “Um, honey? I heard that breathing was a good thing.”

He let her go, embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“Still no change?”

He looked down at his shoes. “No.”

She sighed. “And I guess you want me to play ‘mother’?”

He smiled slightly. “Isn’t that what you’re here for?”

She hit him hard on the shoulder. “Shut it. And where is he?”

“In the bedroom, under the bed. And don’t be so rough, woman.”

She started to set off to where Linkara apparently was, smirking at him. “You’ve never said that before.”

**
Linkara had now, for some unknown reason, got tired of being underneath the bed and decided that curling up in the bathtub would be far more comfortable. MarzGurl knelt down beside it, trying to think of what would be the best thing to say. She wasn’t exactly the best with kids, no matter what thoughts Dr. Insano might have concocted in his weird little mind.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” At least he was talking to her.

“You’re a cute kid.” He was a cute adult as well, she mused shallowly.

“I’m getting bored of it.”

“And why would you?”

“Because I’m somewhere in between a horrible child and an adult.”

She sat him up and adjusted his hat. “Explain?”

“I killed Dr. Insano’s son.”

She suddenly had a great interest in the taps. “I know.”

“I was jealous of it, even before.”

“Dude, it’s an alive, pink ball. There’s nothing to be jealous of.”

He lay back down again, embarrassed. “I know that. I AM A MAN…, or boy, whatever, I don’t know. The point is that we’re usually idiots.”

She laughed. “You have a very good point. So do you want to come down with me and apologize?”

“Nah. I’ll just stay here until I grow up again, whenever that is.” But she wasn’t about to let him do that, she picked him by his waist and took him in her arms, ignoring his protests as she carried him down the stairs.

**

Dr. Insano had seen a lot of strange things in his life; two Kung Fu Jesus Monster-y thingies destroying a city, for example, being just one of them. But, for some reason, MarzGurl coming down the stairs with a squirming child version of Linkara was probably one of the most surreal.

“Dr. Insano? Linkara has something he’d like to say to you.”

“This is humiliating,” Linkara whined, pouting.

“MarzGurl, he doesn’t have to,” he said at the same time, starting to blush. Men really weren’t supposed to have these kinds of moments, no matter how “close” they were.

One look of death shut them both up. “You called me to help out, right? This is me helping. Deal with it and man up, both of you.”

Linkara sighed. “Can you at least put me down? I can’t make a dignified apology when I’m like this.”

It was her turn to blush. “Ooh, sorry.” She put him down and straightened the creases in his clothes.

There was an uncomfortable silence which lasted for about five seconds before she got tired of it. “Would you like a drum roll, Link?”

“Not helping, MarzGurl,” Linkara gritted out before sighing heavily, swallowing his pride and still looking at the floor.

“I’m sorry I killed your son, Insano.”

He patted the boy’s fedora hat awkwardly, hoping that was good enough. “It’s alright. I forgive you.”

Clearly that wasn’t enough for MarzGurl. “Is that it? Hug! Shake hands! Do something! That was pathetic.”

Dr. Insano rolled his eyes and lifted Linkara into a hug, his arms tight around his waist. “You happy now?”

She smiled warmly. “That’s better.”

Quietly, Linkara said “When I grow up, can we never speak of this again?” to him.

Just as quietly, Dr. Insano whispered in his ear “You’ve got yourself a deal,” and put him down again.

MarzGurl didn’t give Linkara much time to think as she grabbed his hand and started to walk upstairs again. “Come on Linkara, its way too late now for three year olds. We’ve got to get you ready for bed.”

Linkara looked hilariously panicked, already blushing furiously. “How?”

Her grip tightened as she expected him to bolt. “Bath time, obviously.”

Tried to bolt he did. “No! No! Never going to happen!”

In between his giggles, Dr. Insano tried to reason with her. “Are you sure that’s a good idea, MarzGurl?”

She looked at him, obviously trying to stifle laughter as well as take Linkara upstairs. “My little brother was three years old once; Mom could never trust him to do anything by himself.”

“But I’m not really three years old, dipshit,” Linkara said sulkily, still trying to get away.

“Right,” she said good-naturedly, “I was going to let you off for a second there but that’s not going to happen now, is it?”

As they almost disappeared from view, Linkara fixed him with sad eyes and a pout. Didn’t work. “Good luck,” he called, waving and going back to his TV.

**

Even though she'd had a much better day than how she was expecting it to go, Nella was still glad that she had no intention on becoming a mother. Trying to open the door while carrying a sleeping girl who had her arms flung tight around her neck, a shopping bag of fresh, healthy food just in case this de-aging thing lasted longer and a giant teddy bear was just too difficult.

Once she had set everything down, she went about trying to wake the Nostalgia Chick up. “Wake up, Lindsay,” she said in a quiet sing-song voice, while patting her firmly on the back. “We’ve got to put you to bed properly.”

“But I am,” the Chick mumbled, still with her eyes closed.

“A bed would be far more comfortable than my shoulder, hon.”

“Fine.” With that, she finally put her down and clicked her aching arm back into her place.

However, of course it wasn’t going to be that easy. “But I’m not that tired and it’s probably too early to go to bed anyway,” the Chick said, hauling herself up on the couch and pulling up cushions, searching for the remote.

“Sweetie, its 9pm. You’ve had a long day and, while I’m no expert, I’m sure four year olds have a much earlier bedtime than this. So get in the fricking bathroom, will ya?”

“But…”

“No buts. Bedtime.”

“You owe me really good sex for this,” the Chick grumbled, clearly annoyed with having to climb down from the couch again.

“We shall see,” she replied. “Want me to help with getting ready for bed?”

The Chick looked stricken and she quickly amended what she had just said. “Want me to just put a chair by the sink so that you can at least see what you’re doing?”

“That’s a bit better,” she responded, still looking pouty and embarrassed.

Ten minutes later, she came back from the bathroom, looking clean and with her hair down.

"All done?"

The Chick bared her teeth in confirmation.

"Good girl."

"I don't wanna go to bed," the girl whined again in frustration.

"Trust me, I really don't want to see you cranky when you get up tomorrow," she replied, grabbing both her hand and the bear and leading her towards the bedroom.

"I'm never cranky!"

"You keep telling yourself that," she giggled.

When they got there, she tucked her and the bear in warmly. “Want a bedtime story?”

The Chick just looked at her beneath her lashes, cuddling her toy closer and already half-asleep. “I swear, I’m going to smack you for this when I grow up.”

She kissed her fondly on the forehead. “Goodnight, sweet princess,” she said cheekily, backing away from the half-hearted arm wave from the now-sleeping child.

Twenty minutes later, she was sprawled out on the couch and guiltily, quietly watching a showing of Pearl Harbor. When the Chick’s door cracked open, she immediately turned it off and hid the remote again.

“What are you doing up?”

The girl rubbed her obviously tired eyes and hauled herself up on top of her. “You know I can’t get to sleep properly without having something to cuddle.”

She ruffled her hair affectionately. “So me winning that bear for you was pointless, then?”

The Chick settled her head on her chest, going up and down as she breathed. “I’d much rather have you,” she mumbled, finally drifting off to sleep, “you know that.”

**

It was 10PM and the Nerd was ready to put this entire experience behind him. He didn’t relish the fact that it was far too late to drive back to his home meaning that he’d have to stay here for the night and the idea that this de-aging crap might just last longer and he’d have to play “Daddy” for even another day made him seriously fucking nervous.

He looked around the house, trying to see where everyone was; Chester looked quite content curled up like a puppy in the kitchen, snoring away. Ask That Guy had fallen asleep on his couch in the study, snuggled up to a cushion and actually looking innocent for what must have been the first time in his life. And the Critic had ended up napping by the stairs.

Melting only slightly, he shook him awake. “Critic? Time to get your motherfucking ass into bed.”

Against his will, the Critic yawned. “’m not tired,” he managed to get out.

He smiled mockingly. “Want to be carried upstairs? I know your fat, stumpy, little legs can’t handle that much walking.”

The Critic childishly (well, he was a child… but that was beside the point, it was still childish) stuck out his tongue and rushed up the stairs impressively fast. He finally disappeared from view and shouted out “Bet you couldn’t run up here as quick as that!” with an obvious smug grin.

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes – had their epic rivalry really been reduced to seeing who could run up stairs the fastest? – he rose to the challenge anyway, racing up them as quick as he could. Admittedly, he petered out towards the end but in his defence, they were huge stairs and the Critic was more than twenty years younger than him now. He thought he had done quite well despite that.

Obviously the Critic didn’t think so, as he smirked up at him from his cross-legged position on the floor. “Dude, you’re getting old.”

In response, he lifted the boy up into his arms, ignoring his now-expected indignant squirms and fully intending to put him in his bed so that he could finally fuck out of consciousness for the night. Only problem? This floor was as huge as the first and so he had no idea where the hell the Critic’s bedroom even was.

“Uh…”

There was that smug look again. “Having trouble?”

He conceded the point. "I hate you."

"I hate you more. And it's the last one in the hallway."

When they got there, he nearly dropped the Critic in surprise. The room was motherfucking huge: a big bed, a shit-fucking en-suite bathroom, a flat screen TV by the wall, a dusty PS3 and a fuckload of DVDs.

Instead, he dropped him on his bed and tried to hide his amusement when the Critic bounced like a tiny bouncy ball. "You're a spoilt brat. Goodnight."

He turned to leave and only stopped when the boy shouted "Wait!"

"What?"

"Want to watch something with me?"

He grimaced. He was tired, he was annoyed and the Critic really did need to stop changing his mind on whether he wanted to be bratty, sappy or something else entirely. "What's the matter? Are you missing your parents giving everything you want?"

He then got given what he liked to call the Critic's "lost puppy" look, which was bad enough when they were both adults. It was even worse when he was dealing with what was very close to being a real child. "Please?"

He gave in for the second time that day. "Fine. What do you want to watch?"

The Critic, instead of answering like a normal person, suddenly jumped off his bed and scampered off to the bathroom, shutting the door. "You choose!" he shouted. "I need to do bathroom-y things."

"There's nothing like Street Fighter or Double Dragon here, right?"

"Oh God, no!" he shouted again over the sounds of a running tap. "That kind of crap is all downstairs. These are the good ones."

He looked. There was the expected stuff like Citizen Kane, Fantasia and Batman but something that was looked like it was supposed to be kept hidden at the back caught his eye. It was a particularly old, worn-out-looking version of Follow That Bird. He had to admit, that was pretty damn cute... even though it was obvious that he was going to have to tease the Critic about this later.

He grabbed it and looked around, seeing if there were any other examples of extreme pussydom. And apparently luck was on his side, as he managed to catch sight of a familiar, yellow-looking thing peeking out from under the mattress. "Big Bird!" the five year old inside of him screamed, as he grabbed its neck and it popped out easily.

Just then, the Critic came out of the bathroom. When he saw what the Nerd had in his hands, his eyes widened in annoyance. "Where did you get those?"

He suppressed a giggle. "You're such a wuss."

The Critic folded his arms, pouting. "Put those back."

He rolled his eyes and put the tape in the video slot anyway. "Dude, if you were trying to keep this stuff a secret, then squeeing about it like a fangirl wasn't the best way to go."

The boy finally grinned good-naturedly. “Go on then, you’ve worn me down,” he said, grabbing the toy possessively out of the Nerd’s hands and hauling himself onto the end of the bed.

They were both fast asleep before Miss. Finch appeared.

**
Dr. Insano was busy watching Red Dwarf when MarzGurl finally resurfaced. Her hair was messy, her jumpsuit was almost soaked through, she had a traumatized look in her eyes and, in all honesty, all he wanted to do right now was to get her on the couch.

“I told you giving him a bath was a bad idea”, he smirked, turning off the TV.

She shrugged, pulling him up by the labels of his white lab coat. “He’s a three year old. I didn’t expect anything less.”

They were so fucking close to making out. “Do you want to have dinner with me?” She raised a surprised eyebrow and his groin screamed in fury. “And, um, watch some filthy anime afterwards?” “That’s better,” his nether regions seemed to be telling him.

She laughed and pushed him away slightly. “Only if you read him a bedtime story. He said he won’t go to sleep until you do so get a move on.” Ignoring his protests, she led him to the bedroom and then went off to get a change of clothes. “Have fun, don’t get too dirty.”

He composed himself, thinking how even more pussified he had become, and went inside. Linkara was tiny in contrast to the huge bed (and he really wasn’t up for thinking about what they had actually done in this room many a time at the moment) and he was sitting up eagerly.

“Are you going to read me a story or not?”

He grinned and sat down on the bed beside him. “The best story ever.”

"Once upon a time, there lived a young comic book nerd called Linkara. Now, unlike the comic-relief nerds you see on TV, he was cute, charming and very entertaining. But the only problem was that he also grew very lonely and bitchy – reviewing bad comics week after week will do that to you – and so he made a powerful enemy: Dr. Insano, a dashing, evil scientist who just wanted to take over the world…”

The little boy smiled knowingly. “Of course.”

“Exactly. And so they fought for a while. But one day, they ended up making out in the ruins of Chicago. They tried to ignore this attraction, they were both of the manly persuasion and they both had the hots for a beautiful blue-haired lady. However, she liked them both back and everyone just thought “Might as well just have a threesome, then.” As it turned out, that proved to be a hell of a lot more fun…”

He stopped, glancing over and finding out that Linkara had already fallen asleep, his fedora hat just about covering his eyes. He took it off and smoothed the kid’s hair out.

“And they all lived happily ever after.”

He turned, aiming to creep out of the room and never let MarzGurl know how sappy he had just got. But, as ever, luck wasn’t on his side. She was standing just outside the door, waiting and smirking.

“That was so adorable.”

“Shut up.”

She took his hand and dragged him to the kitchen. “I bet you can’t keep it up by cooking me something that won’t poison me for once.”

**
The Nostalgia Critic was the first to wake up as himself. He saw the sleeping Nerd, the Big Bird doll that would have to go back under the bed as soon as possible as well the black and white, flickering video screen making the room glow and thought about sneaking away quietly to protect both of their reputations. Instead he stroked Beardy III fondly - glad to have it back - and went back to sleep, his head on the Nerd's lap and the other man's arm slung over his chest. He could deal with the fall-out and feel like a pussy later. He didn't really care all that much right now.

**

The Nostalgia Chick awoke curled up on top of Nella. She stretched out, pleased to be her normal self again and that everything was how it should be. Seeing as how the couch really didn’t fit two, grown, sleeping women, she thought about waking her friend up and moving to the bedroom. But she thought better of it so she wriggled in between the backseat and Nella, kissed her goodnight and cuddled in closer, definitely not ready to stop acting like a little girl just yet.

**

Linkara was the last to wake up as his usual age. Feeling more than a little lonely (he never liked sleeping by himself); he put his hat back on and went to see what MarzGurl and Dr. Insano were doing. He just followed the sounds of Dr. Insano's loud snoring and found them curled up on the couch, the lights were dimmed, half eaten pasta had been left on the table and the TV was paused in the middle of going up an anime girl's skirt. How charming.

He prodded MarzGurl and she awoke with a groan. When she saw him, she looked up him up and down with a smile. “Much more appealing.”

He responded by tugging one of her now-pink braids playfully. “I thought you had taste”, he said, glancing over at the sleeping form of Dr. Insano, snoring with his mouth open. It was then that he noticed the pathetic, tiny, pink glop on one of the shelves. Feeling a brand new wave of guilt, he turned to her again.

“Think I should wake him up and apologize again?”

She sighed. “I wouldn’t.”

“I’ve got to do something, though.”

“Bring it back to life and let him fulfill his dream of having a zombie in the house?”

He giggled softly. “That would be fun… but no, never going to happen.”

“Make him a new one and surprise him in the morning?” she said, obviously half-joking.

Yes! “MarzGurl, I love you.”

“Dude, I was just kidding. Morning is only a few hours away, you won't have time.”

He ignored her, dragging her with him to the experiment area. He was going to need help for this.

Fic: Never To Be Mentioned Again

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:14:43 GMT

Title: Never To Be Mentioned Again
Fandom: That Guy With The Glasses (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out www.thatguywiththeglasses.com)
Pairings: Nostalgia Chick/Nella, Nostalgia Chick/Nostalgia Critic, Nostalgia Chick/Spoony/That Chick With The Goggles/Benzaie, Critic/Ask That Guy, Critic/Angry Video Game Nerd, Linkara/Dr. Insano, Linkara/MarzGurl, Dr. Insano/MarzGurl and many more implied.
Word Count: 10,159 words
Rating: PG-13 for swearing and lots of talk about sex.
Warning: Kid!Fic, serious messing with internet celebrities, established relationships and hamfisted in-jokes to the fandom and other fanfic.
Summary: Consider this a cautionary tale on why geeks and children don't mix. Especially when it comes to geeks who have been turned into children.
A/N: Written for polybigbang 2009. Fanart by the darling kaizoku(and will be up shortly) and beta'ed by the fabulous heirii. The usual disclaimers apply and feedback is always loved.

It actually started when the Nostalgia Chick got up early for once in her life. She wasn’t particularly sure why this happened. She’d had strange dreams of mermaids and crabs dancing with robots and aliens interrupting her night and that was a lot more annoying than it sounded. She woke up in a daze, desperately needing coffee and pretty much working on autopilot so you could forgive her for not noticing the sudden shortness of her legs. She would find out in a second, though, when she tried to get out of bed normally and instead fell to the cold, hard floor in a heap. She then shouted what any normal twenty-four year old woman would say if she had changed into a four year old girl:

“NELLA!”

**

The Nostalgia Critic was woken up sharply by Ask That Guy straddling him and trying to choke him to death. He wasn’t particularly upset by this, it wasn’t particularly an irregular occurrence but he was pretty sure that the hands around his neck were supposed to be larger than that.

“Wha’ are you doin’?” He was also fairly certain that his voice had got significantly higher for some reason.

Ask That Guy slapped him. It was kind of pathetic, really. Ask That Guy was never much a fighter, much preferring to have something in his hands that he could use to hurt someone or inflicting good, old-fashioned psychological pain instead. “Wake up, you idiot. We’re kids again and since I know that either you or your annoying friends are to blame, I’m planning on torturing someone.”

That got his attention. His eyes shot open and they unfortunately saw a very angry, very small boy in a robe and ascot. He looked down at himself and saw a miniature version of his usual clothes, tie and all.

“How the fuck did this happen?”

Ask That Guy responded his usual slasher smile. That was a never good sign.

“I don’t know and I don’t really care but you sort it out. I’m going to go off and play.” And he was off like a shot.

The Critic lay back in his now too-huge bed, needing more time to process just how insane his life was. This was going to be a long, long day.

**

When Linkara found out that he had been turned from a twenty-one year old man into a three year old boy, he did the logically obvious thing. He called up his mortal enemy-slash-kind of a boyfriend on his registered number and yelled at him. He had a little trouble with the phone, his new stubby fingers not managing the numbers very well, but he triumphed in the end.

“Dr. Insano’s Lair?”

“What in Alan Moore’s name have you done?” He was so glad that he could still talk like himself.

“Huh? Who is this?”

If he could have reached high enough, he would have headdesked. “Linkara, you idiot.”

“Linkara? Why does your voice sound funny? Has That Chick With The Goggles kneed you in the balls again? I’ve told you before; if you want to get into bed with her, give her a few drinks first. But don’t tell her I told you that, she and Spoony would want to kill me. Although I don’t know what they would be complaining about, they are the ones that had a foursome after all…”

As interesting as this new spiel was, he had much more important things on his mind. “I’ve been turned back into a three year old!”

There was silence at the other end. He was a little unnerved; he would have at least expected some manic laughter. “Hello?”

A burst of giggling. Ah, there it was. “You- you’re kidding, right?”

He was so glad that Dr. Insano couldn’t see him pouting. That never worked much anyway, even when they were face-to-face. Besides, he would have liked to think he was above that kind of thing now. “I’m not kidding. Why have you done this to me?”

The laughter still wasn’t letting up. “Honey, you’re already an unholy terror. Why would I make things worse for myself?”

Okay, that added another problem to his list. But something far more serious was starting to happen: his kiddy brain was starting to take over.

“Can I come over then?”

The giggling suddenly stopped. “Huh?”

“Can I come over?” Good God, he was starting to actually feel angsty over this.

“But- I- what?”

His eyes were starting to moisten. Oh f-monkeys, was he crying?

“Fine,” he said, sulking. “I’m just lonely and scared but I’m sure I can manage if you don’t want me around. I know you would much rather entertain your son.” That wasn’t entirely true but he had forgotten how easy it was to manipulate people when he was this age, he really was jealous of that… thing and he honestly had no idea how long this was going to last.

“No, no- uh- you might as well. Um… see you soon then. Bye.” Plus he loved making Dr. Insano feel confused and clueless.

Next he shouted the second logically obvious thing.

“Mom! Can I have a lift?”

**

Nella had a headache. This was, of course, only to be expected when her best friend/girlfriend had been turned into one pissed off little girl. But this had to be sorted out so she lifted her head out of her hands and said “So you have no idea how this happened?”

She didn’t know anyone else who could look so annoyed and still concentrate so heavily on doing her hair. “No idea at all. Linkara called from his mommy’s car; he’s a three year old now and he’s as clueless as ever.”

She rubbed her eyes, forgiving the bitchiness. It wasn’t everyday people de-aged twenty years or so, after all.

“Anyone else?”

As if on cue, the phone rang. The Nostalgia Chick looked at her expectantly and she went to get it.

“Hello?” It was a little boy’s voice.

“This is Nella, who is this?”

The child on the other end sighed, already sounding world weary. “The Nostalgia Critic. I’m six again. So is Chester and Ask That Guy.”

She winced. “Your parents have my sympathies. Linkara’s three and Lindsay is four again, by the way.”

“Dude, that’s really not a bit of “by the way” bit of news. And there is no way in hell that I’m calling our parents.”

She rolled her eyes. She was actually kind of glad that he and the Chick never started dating properly. The combined neuroticism and bitchiness probably would have destroyed cities. She didn’t even want to think about what the fairy child that they had together was like, for more reasons than just the fact that it was fricking creepy.

“Whatever, honey. And why aren’t you calling your parents?”

The six year old scoffed. “What exactly am I supposed to tell my father? Oh hey, Dad, sorry I haven’t spoken to you in ages but would you like to take care of three little boys again and try not to die from stress?”

She mulled it over. “I’m sure he would understand.”

“Right. This is the man that says and I quote ‘Do this my way or I’ll take you back to the garbage dump where I found you’.”

She wasn’t about to admit defeat yet. “What about your mom?”

There was a disturbingly long pause. “Critic? You still there, honey?”

“That's an even worse idea. W- we really didn't get on."

She was finally beaten. “I see”, she said. She knew well enough that when the Nostalgia Critic got evasive, it was time to drop the issue.

“So, uh, do you think you could come over and help me? Ask That Guy’s got outside with the cattle-prod and please don’t ask me how he even got hold of one because it’s a long story and I’m an idiot, I couldn’t stop Chester from drinking all the coffee and honestly, I’d rather just play with Lego than do all this.”

If the Chick hadn’t been turned young, she would have been more than happy to. Chester was fun and he liked to hug her when she gave him change; the Nostalgia Critic was actually quite sweet in his own geeky, trigger-happy way; she had a morbid curiosity where Ask That Guy was concerned, having ever only heard stories and never really growing out of her teenage love of bad boys, but staying with her friend where she was most comfortable seemed like the best option.

“I really can’t. I’m sorry, I’m sympathetic but a four year old girl is my top priority now, you know?”

The boy sighed heavily. “I get it. Thanks anyway.” And then he hung up.

When she put the phone down, the Chick was sitting cross-legged, pouting and silent.

“What’s wrong?”

“Do I look okay? I’m too small to find out for myself.”

Feeling her maternal side stir, she picked the girl up and placed her on her shoulders. The resulting squeal made her stomach feel all funny.

“You look beautiful, sweetie.”

**

Dr. Insano was greeted with an unusual sight; Linkara’s mother, looking extremely annoyed and highly confused.

“Um, hi?” It was as good as a conversation starter as any.

“For some insane reason that nearly scared me half to death when I found out, that I’m sure is related to you, my baby boy has been turned into a literal baby boy.”

Yes, he thought, I’ve gathered that. But instead he just said “Okay.”

“And for some other reason, he was willing to stand three hours in a stuffy car just so that he could be with you.”

A tiny boy in a fedora hat popped out from behind her legs at this. He knew this would do major damage to his evil-cred but good God, his enemy looked adorable.

Doing even further to insult his reputation, he crouched down to the kid’s level. “Would little Linkara like to read my Captain America comics?” He didn’t care that the boy might still have adult tastes; no way was he going to let a three year old read Watchmen.

Linkara’s face lit up. Oh, Goddamnit. He tried to remember how much he hated small children and it didn’t work. This particular kid looked so endearing that even the Nostalgia Chick would have melted into a squeeful pile of goo. “Yes, please!”

The mother looked relieved. “That’s wonderful. Call me when you’re an adult again, darling.” There was a quick hug and she was off.

He took Linkara’s hand and they went inside. This was going to be easy.

**

The Nostalgia Critic either felt like killing himself or doing his usual thing of crying under a running shower. Ask That Guy had been outside for far too long and was probably wreaking havoc, Chester was still hyped up as hell from all the caffeine in his system and everyone he knew was way too terrified of a psychopath-turned-little-kid to help him. Not that he could blame them but still.

Because of this, he was now curled up in an armchair while Chester was jumping on the couch.

“Hey, Mr. Critic?”

His head was killing him. “Whaaat?”

“What drugs did I take last night?”

“If you think you took more than normal just because you’re seeing me as a little boy, then don’t worry, this isn’t just a drug fantasy.”

Chester tried to comprehend this. It wasn’t easy. “Oh… good?”

“Chester, can you think of anyone we know who is willing to do battle with Ask That Guy?”

Chester made a face, obviously trying to get in touch with the tiny piece of his drug-addled brain that still held logic. “How about that science-y guy who the nice comic man claims to hate?”

He jumped up. “I fucking love you, dude.” With that, he reached into his suit jacket and put a dollar into the nearby change cup. Of course, this made Chester go nuts again and off he went, running around the empty house yelling for more change.

**

Dr. Insano was sure he was involved in some horrible nightmare. And not the usual ones of adult!Linkara dying for real (even though he’d never tell anyone that) or losing his goggles, this one had a three year old terror whose sugar-high had given him extra-fast running powers and unlimited grabby hand-age. Unfortunately, and this news made him want to cry like a little girl, this was completely real.

And then the phone went. Cursing every science God he knew, he went to answer it, wondering when it was that he had gone from an evil-ish scientist to a long-suffering babysitter.

“Hello?” It was a little boy’s voice. How wonderful.

“Dr. Insano’s lair, who is this?"

There was a deep, heavy sigh. "The Nostalgia Critic. Chester, Ask That Guy and I have been changed into six year olds again. But I'm guessing you knew that already, right?"

He rubbed his forehead, having felt the first stirrings of a migraine ages ago when Linkara had somehow made his laser shoot out candy instead of rays of death. He had spent years perfecting that thing and all it took was a small child who liked pressing buttons to ruin it completely.

"As I told Linkara, or the little hell beast as I like to call him now, I had nothing to do with it."

The boy swore. "So you can't come over and fix it? Or even just come over? Because Ask That Guy's been gone for over an hour and it's making me nervous."

There was a loud crash from upstairs. He winced, half-hoping the object, whatever it was, had fallen on Linkara. "Nostalgia Critic, I'm sorry, I really am but I've got my hands full with Linkara right now. Bye." And he hung up before the Critic could get another word in.

When he got to the offending place, the little boy was trying to look innocent amidst the smoking rubble that was going to be his TARDIS. He would have to revise his policy on slaughtering children. Because, really, what sane judge would convict him?

**

Unlike the guys, Nella was having a decent time of things. The situation was still extremely strange and she would have been delighted to wake up and see the Nostalgia Chick as an adult again but her best friend as a child wasn’t so bad. She was a good girl and it was pretty easy to do things with her. It might not be as fun as say, making out while watching David Bowie in his gay phase, but it was still entertaining.

Right then, they were having bananas. Mashed, of course, and completely laced with sugar. She had a feeling that seeing her girlfriend-turned-young putting her mouth around a whole banana would be violently disturbing.

Speaking of disturbing things, the child still had the bowtie around her neck. But when she leant over to take it off, she leapt off her chair and kept away.

“What are you doing?” she asked, confused.

“I could ask you the same thing,” the Chick replied, keeping her ground.

“I just want to take the bowtie off, idiot.”

The girl pouted, crossing her arms. “Why?”

She shrugged. “Because it’s creeping me out.” She might as well be honest.

That explanation obviously didn’t fly because the kid turned around and ran back into her room. “Well, you’re just sick then, aren’t you?”

Nella didn’t bother going after her, instead sinking back into her chair and wondering what the hell had just happened. She had obviously spoken too soon about the whole “having it easy” thing.

**

The Angry Video Game Nerd was in a bad mood, worse than usual. Like the apparent masochist he was, he had tried to play Bebe’s Kids, thinking that he could obviously manage it better than the Nostalgia Critic could. Of course, that wasn’t to be. Even five minutes with that fucking hideous excuse for a soundtrack made him want to commit a bloody suicide. So now he was going to have a hot shower to scrub the filth off his body.

He was halfway through undressing when the phone rang. Feeling up for killing someone slowly, he gave up on his promised shower and went to answer it.

“Who is this and what the fuck do you want?”

“It’s me, you idiot.” He tried to wrack his brains and failed, he fortunately didn’t know any pissy-sounding kids.

“Who?”

He could almost hear the eyeroll. “The Nostalgia Critic.”

Of course it was. Who else could it be? “Critic? Why is your voice so strange? Did you finally get that sex-change operation you always wanted?”

“Piss off, fuckmop… and come over here?” Judging by the pause, he guessed that even the Critic knew how stupid that sounded.

He sneered. “Fuck you. It’s not like I can come over for sleepovers and talk about all the girly things you like.”

There was a tiny whimper at the other end. His eyes widened, thinking he was going to get snark or anger rather an upset sound, and he opened his mouth to say something but before he could, the Critic launched into his panicky, rambling explanation. “Alright, and please listen to me, okay? We’ve been turned into children again, Chester got into the coffee and is breaking everything, Ask That Guy’s got outside and I’m pretty sure he’s on a killer spree at the moment, the Nostalgia Chick is a little girl again according to Nella, Linkara’s apparently driving Dr. Insano even crazier than normal and I’m trying to resist the urge to hang myself. So would you please, please just fucking come over here and help me?”

He was ready to laugh and put the phone down, obviously seeing through the Critic’s pathetic joke. But something felt wrong, the other man (or boy, apparently) sounded desperate and so he gave into his pussy side.

“Just hold on, okay? I’ll be right there.”

There was a sound that seemed like a cross between a giggle and a sob of relief. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

Good God, he was whipped.

**

Nella was scanning the paper, looking for news. It wasn’t as if she expected anything weird to pop up, their local paper usually didn’t pick up on things like scientists taking over the world for a while with killer robots, guys turning female for twenty four hours and vice versa, people decreasing in age or there being an increase of pollen in the air, but it always helped to check.

It was just then that she noticed the Nostalgia Chick slinking in from her bedroom, hands in her pockets and looking nervous. She closed the paper and tried to seem as unassuming as possible.

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“What’s up?”

The girl walked up to the table and gave her the sad Bambi eyes. “I’m sorry for being weird earlier.”

She smiled warmly and picked her up, placing her on her lap. “Don’t worry about it.”

The Chick squirmed around a little, trying to get comfortable. “It’s just… I’m a little freaked out by all this,” she admitted, looking anywhere but at her.

She gave her an affectionate squeeze. “You’ll be fine, I promise.”

Her friend grinned, flicking through the paper. “So what do you wanna do today?”

“It’s up to you.”

“Watch Labyrinth?” A four year old girl should really not sound that excited at the prospect of David Bowie’s crotch, she thought.

“Yeah… that’s not going to happen.”

She pouted. “Why the hell not?”

“It can be a treat for when you grow up, alright?”

“You’ll be a horrible mommy one day.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t ever intend on being on a mom, anyway.”

"... so what do you want to do?"

"I've said before, I want to watch David Bowie's crotch."

She sighed in frustration, holding the Chick on her lap with one hand and flipping through the paper with the other. "It's a Saturday, so there's gotta be a fair on."

"I haven't been to a fair since I was six."

"Why not?"

"Because I threw up on a clown," she added, sheepishly.

She giggled despite herself, earning a kick on her shin. “I promise to keep you away from any guys who look stupid in make-up, alright?”

“I still don’t know…”

“There’ll be fun rides, tons of candy and lots of opportunities to make fun of annoying, whiny, ugly children?”

The girl grinned and jumped off her lap, heading for the door. “I knew there was a reason why I liked you.”

**

As was always the way, the Nerd mentally kicked himself before he got to the Critic’s house. His rival/fuckbuddy was a bastard, so of course this was going to be a prank. A strange and brilliant one, obviously, act all vulnerable and… kiddy and make him look like an idiot. There was no logical way that this could be real, after all.

Well, screw logic. The door was opened by a six year old boy with green eyes and whose clothes and glasses had apparently shrunk down with him. The result would have been admittedly adorable if the situation hadn’t been so fucking weird and he hadn’t looked so pissy.

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRD!”

Telling himself that it would be wrong to punch a child, he pushed the Critic inside and slammed the door shut before any of the neighbors in the posh, actually rather creepy, suburban street could complain about the noise.

“So what’s going on? And if you shout my name again… you’re grounded for a month.” Alright, fine, that was lame but he couldn’t think of anything else. The possibility of spanking came into his head for a second, but he had a feeling that it would embarrass him far more than it would the Critic.

The kid rolled his eyes. “Nobody has any idea how the fuck this happened so don’t ask me.”

“And why did you call me?”

The Critic suddenly developed an unusual interest in the floor. “If it helps, you were the ultimate, last, final resort,” he mumbled.

Before he could reply that this was a good thing, there was an urgent knock on the door. He looked at the Critic inquisitively. “Who is that going to be?”

“It might be Ask That Guy. Go away for a second and I’ll deal with it.”

Wondering where this weird, newfound maturity had come from, he instead scooped the kid up and sat him in his arms.

“What the fuck are you doing, you shitting bag of elephant piss?” the Critic shouted, squirming as much as he could. And there it went again, much to his everlasting relief.

He smiled complacently. “You wanted me to help, right? So stop being a bitch and leave things to me.”

“Fine,” the Critic pouted, settling down reluctantly and holding onto his neck tightly with pudgy little fingers. He guessed that it would be a while before they got long and skinny like he knew and liked them to be.

There was another, even more urgent knock at the door, this time with someone shouting. Figuring that now would be a good a time as any, he went to answer it. There was an angry-looking woman in front of him, well-dressed and probably in her forties with an upset little girl, in a cutesy-pink outfit, hiding behind her legs. She was also clenching Ask That Guy’s collar in her hand, the boy himself fixing him with such a look of hate that he was so sure was going to cause him a boss-induced heart attack.

“Does this belong to you?”

“Depends on what he did.”

Before the mother could explain, Ask That Guy piped up cheerfully. “Nah, he’s just one of mommy’s many boyfriends. None of them look after me very well.”

If this was any other situation, he would have loved anyone who could put a wide-eyed look of shock on the Critic’s face that easily. But this was this situation and, instead, he closed his eyes and wished that he could transport himself far away. Warping to Samus’s bedroom would be awesome.

Didn’t work. Fuck. “So where is his mother?” she fumed.

Again, Ask That Guy butted in, clearly loving the embarrassment that he was causing everyone. “Well, it’s midday, so I’m guessing she’s getting completely wasted and trying to shoot people.”

Before the woman could either literally explode in rage or whip out her mobile to call child services, the Critic helped him out by recovering and trying to give him a good lead-in. “Trust us; she’s just out getting shopping. We’re sorry; Daddy here is going to be sending this one to a Military School as soon as he’s old enough.”

It was Ask That Guy’s turn to sulk as he willed up the strength to ask “So what did he actually do?” having the strong feeling that he really didn’t want to know.

It was probably like ripping off a band-aid for her. “He kidnapped my daughter’s kitten, tied it to a tree with jump-rope and tortured it with a cattle-prod until it died.” Her daughter buried her face in her thigh and started to cry again, Ask That Guy smirked like the demonic hell spawn that he apparently was, the Critic just rolled his eyes – having given up on hoping that Ask That Guy had at least a tiny piece of moral decency left in him years ago – while he made a mental note never to have children.

So wanting to have a screaming fit in the comfort of… someone else’s home, he apologized profusely to the mother. “I’m very sorry he bothered you. I’ll sort him out and I’ll buy your child a new pet soon, I promise, okay?”

Somewhat satisfied, she left and he dragged Ask That Guy in by his sleeve as quickly as possible as the Critic held on even tighter round his neck. Make no mistake, there was going to be a showdown.

Stolen from just about everyone in my favourite fandom

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 13:06:56 GMT

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
emeriin goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as The Nostalgia Chick.
apiphile gives you 5 purple passionfruit-flavoured jawbreakers.
aunt_zelda gives you 7 blue evil-flavoured nuggets.
bubosquared tricks you! You get a toothbrush.
freya_sacksen gives you 5 pink spearmint-flavoured pieces of taffy.
heirii gives you 18 light orange banana-flavoured jawbreakers.
kaizoku tricks you! You lose 9 pieces of candy!
purple_fruits gives you 13 brown spearmint-flavoured gumdrops.
pyrocrastinator gives you 10 softly glowing vanilla-flavoured gummy bats.
ryou49 gives you 18 milky white vanilla-flavoured gummy bats.
wanttobeatree gives you 18 white coconut-flavoured gummy bats.
emeriin ends up with 85 pieces of candy, and a toothbrush.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

Would you all have been so nice if I hadn't dressed up like the Nostalgia Chick? Huh? Huh?

I watch the stars go out

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:13:54 GMT

Meme ganked from wanttobeatree
The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you

In other news, the new Bum Review of "Where The Wild Things Are" is out today. I won't spoil it for you but, my God, the woobiedom was especially strong in this one. *pets him and gives him change*

And the stage is full of nothing

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 15:05:12 GMT

A bruised, swollen foot and a period at the exact same time? *groans and looks heavenward* Someone up there hates me...

Four TGWTG drabbles!

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 18:20:50 GMT

Please don't ask me why I did these. I was bored, work is preventing me from doing long!fic, everyone else promised aunt_zelda fic for when she came back and I thought I'd do the same.

A/N: The usual disclaimers apply. The first two are quite light, the second two contain spoilers for everything in freya_sacksen's "In Space" Verse and are very dark.

The Nostalgia Critic woke up with a blinding headache.

"What did I do last night?" he wondered out loud.

"Do you really want to know?" a familiar voice beside him asked, still able to lay on the charm so early in the morning. Fuck. So that's what had happened. He managed to put on his glasses and saw Spoony lying back contentedly, still in his robe. To his complete and utter lack of surprise, Linkara was also there, asleep and curled up on the other side of the bed.

He thought about heading towards the shower and scrubbing himself raw but an intent look from Spoony stopped him.

"What is it?"

"Are you going to act like the Nostalgia Chick? Because I'm not in the mood for cuddling you."

He rolled his eyes and kissed the smooth, pale skin just under Spoony's earlobe. "I'd rather do something much better."

The Nostalgia Chick was still having nightmares. Not about being captured and taunted by the Nostalgia Critic, God no, that had been more... interesting than anything else. What was bothering her so much was that she still couldn't get over that godawful movie. The clothes, the stereotypes, the acting, everything about it was pure evil.

So that was why Nella was looking after her. Hot chocolate, David Bowie and making out, all while remaining comfortable in her own bed was the perfect combination to make her forget all about spoilt princess-like teenagers on elephants.

The original plan was to wait until Linkara had regained consciousness to start "fucking him silly", as Ask That Guy had said, but Dr. Insano had tried waiting for five minutes and found that he was far too impatient for this kind of thing. Besides, even just by watching Ask That Guy , he had been taught well on the power of mindfucking.

So he climbed on top of the gurney and tested the chains to see if they were strong enough. They were. Good. First, he kissed him, biting down on his lips until they bled and making sure that his mouth would ache afterwards. Secondly, grabbing Linkara's hat and using it to get a better angle at his neck, he sunk his teeth into the pale flesh and felt his cock twitch at the taste of warm, metallic blood.

Just then, he heard a groan. Linkara was waking up. His eyelashes fluttered behind his glasses and he looked at him hazily, the drug obviously not worn off just yet. He grinned back at him. This was going to be a fun forever.

With the bruises, the wounds that hadn't been dealt with (which was all of them) and the grime all over his sickly-pale skin, the Nostalgia Critic looked like a corpse and it sent a shock of sensation down to Ask That Guy's groin. But there was no time for sex, the poison that would make the Critic finally die was going to be injected soon and there was so little time to prepare everything.

With his favourite whip in hand, he told the Critic to get ready on the bed. He did so without a fuss.

He sighed, slightly disappointed in how easily the Critic gave in. When this version had finally bled out later on, enabling he and Dr. Insano to go back to the Brawl, he was going to have to make sure that the other one was kept (relatively) sane and fun for longer.

"I love you," he cooed mockingly in the other man's ear. There was a tiny, whimpering hitch of breath that urged him to continue and he wrapped his arms around his waist, coming in far too close. But there was no flinch. "I love you for doing this for me. I love you for being so good for me. I love you for doing anything I want you to."

The Critic laid his forehead against the cell wall. "It's okay."

New NChick Vid

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 19:49:16 GMT

I'll admit it, I was terrified of this review. Bratz are evil! Oh, hey, marketing team, Barbie isn't in anymore so we need to sell dolls that look like sluts to young girls and terrify their parents! In a sense, this film was even worse than Garbage Pail Kids: Nobody knew how horrible that film was going to be and so we just went in blindly. With Bratz? Oh God...

That said, the review (and the foeyay, as heirii so rightly told me) was epic.

First of all, Critic? Making her review this racist bit of shit? Spending a little too much time with Ask That Guy, are we?

"I am the Master and you are the subordinate." *shivers* I'm in kind of two minds about it, though. On the one hand, where did that come from and can we see more of it? On the other... Critic, sweetie, refresh my memory, exactly who got who pregnant?

Bhargav, yay! "Heart!"

John Voight, WHY? *breaks down in tears*

Monty Python reference, also yay!

8.56: Uh, yeah, Critic? Just because you masochistically make yourself watch bad movies, doesn't mean you have to force others to. Just sayin'

As much as I don't get the appeal of Terminator, it has some lovely music.

And she gets in another dig at Michael Bay! *sighs in delight* That's my girl.

Hi, Rob! :D

Doug has a huge, lovely house and I'm still jealous.

Awwwwww at Critic trying to make himself taller and the Chick pushing him back down (although, God, he really is tall), the hug and, in a weird way, the double chloroforming. And hee! at the Critic copping a feel. (Also, they've pretty much given up on trying to sink the ship and are just going with it now, aren't they?)

I WAS FROZEN TODAY!

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 21:27:19 GMT

A six-days-late anniversary post is still an anniversary post, right baby? Innyway, I will always love you, I can't wait to spend forever with you and I'm looking forward to hearing all about your air guitar exploits tomorrow. ;)

With ice cold hands taking hold of me

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 14:24:32 GMT

Well, I met my Mum yesterday. I wouldn't say that I didn't enjoy it (seeing as how I haven't seen her in a month and all) but she's still denying things and still doesn't know what she wants so I can't help but feel disappointed. *sighs*

In even more depressing news, I have six whole days of twelve hour shifts to get through. *sobs* Dear God, someone help me...

To end this on a much happier note; The new NC episode list is up and it has a crossover with Linkara (Superman IV) at the end of October and the Star Wars Holiday Special at the end of December! *rubs hands in both excitement and anticipation for some epic suffering*

Down which of late I cannot help but fall

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:38:40 GMT

I'm meeting my Mum tonight to discuss things after a month of not seeing her. *gulps* Wish me luck?

My name is death and the end is here

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 20:41:03 GMT

Stolen from just about everyone:

Ask me a fandom (that I know of!), and I will tell you:
- OTP
- Runner-up
- Honorable mention(s)
- Crack pairing(s)
- Ship everyone else seems to like, but I don't

Won't you spare me over another year?

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 14:19:36 GMT

Someone agreed to do art for my Big Bang fic, yay!

There's a hole in my neighbourhood

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 15:27:44 GMT

I- I can't believe I'm saying this but does anyone have recs for some good Charmed femme!slash? I know, I know, I'm ashamed but I was watching D'Eartha's episodes the other day and I really want some dubcon fic between her and Paige. *runs away in embarrassment*

Nothing satisfies me but your soul

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 21:19:05 GMT

Regarding the new job: Tired... so very tired...

Okay, you need more than that: I'm on a Health & Social Care Apprenticeship and I'm working at a care home about half an hour away from where I live. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy it but seriously, a four day week with twelve hour shifts is hard for someone who hasn't had a job since January.

Meme responses:

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 13:05:21 GMT

bubosquaredliked the bit in I Get My Kicks On Route 66, where there was a blowjob at 80 mph:

First Line: The Nostalgia Critic was almost certain that he'd been drunk when he had agreed to this.

Last Line: And that is why, ladies and gentlemen, you should never go on a road trip with a psychopath.

The Thing That Made Me Want To Write It: Two things, really; Because I seem to be the NC/ATG girl of the fandom and the idea of these two boys going on a roadtrip without managing to kill each other is just too fun.

The Biggest Problem I Had While Writing It: Do you have any idea how hard it is to write sex between two guys who look the same and not have it come off as stupid?

Why It Almost Never Got Posted: My conscience tried to get in the way. Luckily, I managed to bribe it with chocolate and it finally calmed down.

The Scene That Hit The Cutting Room Floor: The alternate ending to the blowjob scene, where Ask That Guy swerved (at 80 mph, mind you) as he, uh, finished and caused three innocent families to die when their cars crashed. Ask That Guy was very displeased that it got deleted but it came off as just a little too mean.

chocolate_frappliked the bit in What's This?, where Wilson was kissing House's neck:

First Line: House had no idea why Wilson suddenly had tentacles but he was more than willing to find out.

Last Line: He guessed it was true what they say; once you try octupus, you're changed for life.

The Thing That Made Me Want To Write It: Because apiphileis a horrible influence and gave me a strange love for tentacles?

The Biggest Problem I Had While Writing It: Wilson didn't want to be an octupus, damnit!

Why It Almost Never Got Posted: Because, sadly, tentacle!sex is still a taboo in the House fandom.

The Scene That Hit The Cutting Room Floor: The scene where Octopus!Wilson strangled Thirteen. Sorry, heirii, I tried...

freya_sacksen liked the bit in I Left My Hat In San Fransisco, where Linkara's trilby had sex with the Critic's baseball cap:

First Line: Linkara was in a panic; he had never been without his hat for this long before and no matter where he looked, he couldn't find it.

Last Line: (I quite honestly have no idea, I was too busy thinking about trilby!babies!)

The Thing That Made Me Want To Write It: Because sports-loving Triby!Babies are a terrible thing not to have in an already crack!tastic fandom.

The Biggest Problem I Had While Writing It: Why would a baseball cap get pregnant, why would it have six babies and more importantly, why would the babies look like the father?

Why It Almost Never Got Posted: Because fanboys scare me and I'm fairly sure hat!sex is in a whole other dimension of crazy.

The Scene That Hit The Cutting Room Floor: There was going to be a scene in which Linkara and the Critic had drunk!sex and left their clothes everywhere, thus enabling hat!sex but I don't know... I just didn't feel like writing human sex at the time. *ducks*

heiriiliked the bit in Now I Like Transformers, where Michael Bay and the Nostalgia Chick were comparing their robot testicles and their robot breasts respectively:

First Line: The Nostalgia Chick woke up with a roaring migraine and a pain in her chest. She could tell you this much; if she found that she had slept with Spoony again, someone was going to lose an eye.

Last Line: She walked home happily, with Michael Bay's bleeding head tucked away in her bag.

The Thing That Made Me Want To Write It: The FoeYay aspect was just too much for me to resist. I am so, so sorry.

The Biggest Problem I Had While Writing It: How would the Nostalgia Chick get robot breasts anyway? But then I figured Michael Bay was an evil bastard and all was sorted.

Why It Almost Never Got Posted: Again, conscience. That little bitch is tricky to manage.

The Scene That Hit The Cutting Room Floor: The scene where she actually tore Michael Bay apart with her new robot limbs. On the one hand, it was most cathartic. On the other, it was rather graphic so it had to be trashed.

She left her heart in Tokyo

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 13:02:26 GMT

This is what happens when I get stuck on a Big Bang with only 1,000 words to go until I hit the minimum required, I steal interesting-looking memes from jantalaimon

Give me the title of a story I've never written (in a fandom that you know I can write in), and feedback telling me what you liked best about it, and I will tell you any of: the first sentence, the last sentence, the thing that made me want to write it, the biggest problem I had while writing it, why it almost never got posted, the scene that hit the cutting room floor but that I wish I'd been able to salvage, or something else that I want readers to know.

Surprise ShortFic!

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 13:12:08 GMT

Title: I See No Wrinkles Here
Pairing: Nostalgia Critic/Ask That Guy, but only if you squint.
Disclaimer: Not mine, will never be mine and, considering what I do to the Critic in this, that's probably a good thing. So don't kill me, fanboys?
Word Count: 685
A/N: Guys, if you didn't like freya_sacksen's epilogue for her "In Space" fic, then you probably won't like this too much. I had to get this dark!fic plotbunny out of the way and it pretty much just piles on the angst and darkness... With that said, enjoy!

It had been a hundred years. A hundred years since he thought he had managed to save everyone. He had screamed when he found out, when Ask That Guy and Insano had managed to revive him. Screamed and panicked and, in doing so, forever peaking their interest like a fucking idiot.

Insano wasn't that bad. Clearly wanting Linkara to play with instead, he was only really interested in tearing him open and seeing what was inside. It was pretty much the same as before. And, same as before, it was Ask That Guy that was the problem. Twenty-six years of growing up with someone, then becoming enemies and then becoming completely... theirs was usually a recipe for disaster.

Right now, they were watching old cartoons. It was ridiculously stupid; people were dying, he had no idea if his friends were still alive or not and he was either watching shows he loved when he was a kid, protecting Ask That Guy against anyone who wanted to kill him or being the go-to guy if anyone wanted anything. But, even with Ask That Guy watching them with him, it felt warm and safe watching green turtles with an obsession for pizza.

"Before I forget, I slaughtered one of the guards a few hours ago."

It hurt that he wasn't even upset by this anymore. "And?"

Ask That Guy laughed, condescendingly. "And I'd like you to clean him up, silly."

He sighed and got up but as he did so, his elbow caught the jug of water that was on the side table. Before he had realized, it had smashed on the plush carpet and water was everywhere. He was vaguely aware of his hands trembling but other than that, he couldn't move.

"I fucked up," he said in a small voice.

"It's just water and glass; you can clean it up in a minute." As patronizing as ever.

"You don't understand." It came out as more of a moan of pain than anything else. "I fucked up. I- I was supposed to end everything... I was supposed to actually end." God, he was so old now, so tired. He didn't have wrinkles, he didn't have grey hair - he would have still looked like he did when he was twenty-six if it hadn't been for the lack of food and the wounds all over his body - but he had still been alive for so long. It wasn't fair.

Ask That Guy patted him on the shoulder, clearly wanting to be anywhere else. "You always were a bit of a fuck-up," he said, like that was supposed to make it okay.

He was fucking crying now, shaking and not even able to breathe. Out of pure habit from long, long ago, he buried his face in Ask That Guy's neck. It smelt like entrails that had been left in the sun too long. "I still love you," he mumbled.

Now that got the other man panicked. "Excuse me?"

The words were tiny. "I love you. A- after everything you've done to me, God, I still love you. I don't even know fucking why, you were always an evil freak but I still...,” he trailed off, breaking down in sobs that made his stomach hurt. What happened to him? What made him this fucking screwed up? Next to Chester (and godfuckit, he would have never imagined that he'd miss Chester this bad) and Ask That Guy, he had always been the one with his sanity still tenuously attached. And now look at him.

Ask That Guy patted him hard on his lower back - where he had been burned badly from a few days ago - making him stifle a yell. "There, there, you're alright."

Just then, Insano called on the intercom. "Ask That Guy? We've found another planet."

"I need to get that," Ask That Guy said to him, falsely sweet and like he was talking to an idiot child.

"Just go." He wiped his eyes, feeling like a mess.

"Got over your temper tantrum? Are you going to wait up for me tonight?"

"Yes, sir."

Take out Wednesday

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 13:01:45 GMT

Ask That Guy writes fanfiction. Or to be more exact, fanfiction where he acts out his sexist Star Trek sex fantasies... I don't know whether to be horrified or amused. *grinz*

I blame Riona completely for this

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:28:04 GMT

After watching this advert, I've come to the conclusion that Derren Brown is really quite charming in a manipulative bastard sorta way. Fuck.

Big Bang Status: 8,001/10,000

Writer's Block: Home Remedies

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:23:14 GMT

When you get sick or have a cold, what's your favorite remedy to make you feel better?

View 1663 Answers

A really hot curry and whisky. I know that sounds horrible and unhealthy but when I'm ill, I suffer from the cold a lot so at the very least, actually managing to feel warm is a good thing.

Big Bang Status: 7,310/10,000

Got pished Saturday

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 14:51:05 GMT

Happy Anniversary honey. I just wanted to say I will always love you and thank you for all the good you've done. I know I've been acting batshit due to lack of sleep but I really do appreciate it and I really do adore you :) xxxxxxxx

Born on Thursday

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 13:30:16 GMT

*sighs* So Mum will be leaving for her "holiday" tonight and I'm really, really not looking forward to it, as you probably would have guessed.

I think, right now, I need all the distractions I can manage: Cookie is being lovely as normal, and I'll try to watch the new NC later but ~~drabbles?~~ hugs are always welcome.

Big Bang Status: 6,873/10,000

Hanging with the raisin girls

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 12:24:23 GMT

Stolen from rionaleonhart :

- Write a list of characters and number them.
- Input the the number of characters into this random number generator as the maximum and generate two numbers.
- Ramble about how the corresponding pairing/partnership would (or, indeed, wouldn't) work. Perhaps write a snippet/one-sentence fic for it if you're feeling brave.
- Repeat to your heart's content.

26/16: Nostalgia Critic (TGWTG)/Dr. Frank 'N' Furter (RHPS)

*dies*

BRB, PICKING BRAINS OFF FLOOR WHILE GIGGLING

10/17: House/The Master (Doctor Who)

It had been three months since he had come here. He shut his mouth, stayed in his room and gave the therapist annoyingly short answers which told them nothing. It wasn't like he wanted to stay here but he was smart enough to know that, if he ever did manage to get out, no sane medical board would give him his liscence back anyway.

It was just then that things turned very bright. He shrunk back in his bed, scared but not enough to shout for help. He would never be that scared.

The lights went back to normal and there was a young, smiling man in a suit leaning against the wall. He didn't speak, he just beckoned and mouthed "Come with me."

Come. With. Me. This was a dream, this was an hallucination, this wasn't real.

He went anyway.

7/25: Frank Booth (Blue Velvet)/Angelus (Buffy)

*runs the fuck away*

4/3: Sam Winchester (Supernatural)/Marwood (Withnail & I)

I'm sure I've done this before on a different meme. Dean and Withnail would get together and get slutty and wasted while Sam and Marwood can be their wonderfully emotionally repressed selves before Sam just decides to hump him like he did with Madison and hope that he doesn't turn out to be a Time Lord or a werewolf.

19/21: Nella (TGWTG)/Castiel (Supernatural)

"I am an angel of the Lord. I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."
"What?"

25/30 - Dean Winchester (Supernatural)/Linkara (TGWTG)

Ooh, they could team up to destroy Dr. Insano! Supernatural desperately needs a mad scientist, they've both got nice guns and we all know that Linkara is really just a superhero disguising himself as a minor internet celebrity. Perfect partnership.

13/12 - The Joker (Batman)/Lori Prince (TGWTG)

0_o Well, you know what they say... you always torment the ones you love. Poor Lori, though. *pets him*

15/23 - Dr. Insano/Ask That Guy

Goddamnit, I am this close to shipping it. Okies, um, Ask That Guy would be a horrible influence on our favourite wibbly scientist, his boss would grant them both unlimited power, Linkara and the Nostalgia Critic would both mysteriously disappear from the public eye, hamster jelly would be in stores everywhere and they'd easily take over the world with killer robots. May God have mercy on us all...

9/18 - Hawkeye Pierce (M*A*S*H)/Faith (Buffy)

Okay, now this is one that really wouldn't work. I know, I know, Alan Alda and all that but Hawkeye is still a man in the 1950's, no matter how liberal he is. Unless there's drinking and hatesex, I really don't see him taking a liking to Faith. Besides, she'd much rather have Buffy, amirite fellow femmeslashers?

8/5 - Harley Quinn (Batman)/Gene Hunt (Life On Mars)

"Oh, I don't know where my puddin's gone but I do love you, Mistah H."
"What the hell is wrong with you, you stupid tart?"

2/24 - Angry Video Game Nerd/Chester A. Bum

I don't know... it could be interesting but their only interaction seems to come from the Critic. The Nerd obviously has that epic *ahem* romance rivalry with him and it can't just be me who thinks that Chester has a bit of a crush, right? I mean, he's always calling him nice, he defended him from the Nerd, seemed to destroy entire countries just to spite him... Classic crush behaviour. ;)

6/14 - Drusilla (Buffy)/Sam Tyler (Life On Mars)

OH MY GOD, I'VE JUST THOUGHT... DRU IS THE GROWN UP VERSION OF THE TEST CARD GIRL! IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE!

1/11 - Amber Volakis (House)/MarzGurl (TGWTG)

*is in happy place* XD

20/22 - Withnail/Poison Ivy (Batman)

Woah, that must have been some drug trip.

29/28 - Donna Noble (Doctor Who)/Nostalgia Chick (TGWTG)

God, even random number generators want them to make out. Okay, Donna regains her memories, becomes a full-fledged Time Lady with her very own TARDIS, gains the Nostalgia Chick as a companion, and because I don't have New!Who's obsession for destroying characters, they'll live and be awesome for a very long time. :D