Title: Sex Pollen Makes You Do The Wacky

Rating: R for language, scenes of a sexual nature, and serious messing with internet celebrities.

Word Count: 4,153

Pairings: Angry Video Game Nerd/Nostalgia Critic, Dr. Insano/Linkara and Nella/The Nostalgia Chick.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They are all the online personas of real live people, whose videos can be found here http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/ and here http://www.cinemassacre.com/new/. I mean no offense, pray that this does not somehow attract Bennet the Sage/trolls/the people themselves, am making no money, and would love it if I were not sued. Or killed, for that matter.

Warnings: Slash and an insane storyline. My first attempt at writing women (What can I say? I'm a typical fangirl) and femme!slash, my first attempt at writing smut and possibly many other firsts. So please don't, you know, burn me alive for this?

Dr. Insano wasn't sure about this latest plan. Mad scientists were supposed to build weapons to take over the world (he ducked the inevitable joke and rolled his eyes when it finished), not to create sex pollen so that their crush/arch-enemy/thorn in the side would hopefully sleep with them. But then again, the people he knew were never going to get laid in their lives so maybe he was doing a good thing.

The actual pollen was more sparkly and… pink than he thought it would be. That really wasn’t helping his already-less-than-credible reputation but he placed it in the only clean pickle jar he had and set off happily for Linkara’s house. Or at least that was what he wanted to happen. In actuality, the pollen flew away from the experiment table, obviously not wanting to be caught. It zigzagged through the house, crept through a window and went in three completely different directions.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

**

It had been a decent morning for Linkara. He had punched a few people, proved his manliness and now, as he so rightfully deserved after putting himself through the torture of Countdown, was reading some good comics for once in his life. But then he heard tingling. He tried to ignore it, thinking it was just a by-product of bad-comic-induced crazy.

But that wasn't the only problem. For one thing, it was getting louder. For another, his room was starting to stink. Lastly, he was starting to feel strangely, desperately horny. He attempted to settle down again, thinking he would just go upstairs later, have a date with Rosie Palms and everything would be fine. However, his evil, horrible brain was thinking about someone else entirely.

“Really, brain, Dr. Insano? I thought we had taste,” he thought to himself, trying to think about being in bed with Harley Quinn instead. He was peeling off her costume slowly, loving her desperation. But then, as was always the way with these things, his fantasy became him and Dr. Insano fucking furiously in the shower.

After it got so bad that he thought he might actually die if he didn't fuck someone, he thought “Screw it!” and started the long run to Dr. Insano’s place.

Hey, if the Nostalgia Critic had done it, then why shouldn’t he?

**

It was going to be a late day for the Nostalgia Chick. She was going to get up late, have a day with Nella and sit around eating junk food and doing girly things.

Just then, she heard a tingly noise. She covered her ears with her pillow, intent on going back to sleep but the noise wouldn’t let up. Plus, it was starting to make her bedroom stink. She sat up, annoyed.

“Nella?”

Huh, that was weird. She had already been starting to feel seriously horny and the thought of her best friend just made her ache down below even worse.

Nella wasn’t coming (and that image really wasn’t meant to be in her head) so she had to get up and find her. Ideas of just slamming the other woman up against the fridge and fucking her until they were both too tired to move weren’t exactly going anywhere and weren’t looking unappealing.

She saw Nella in the living room, watching old reruns of The Simpsons. When her friend saw her, her eyes widened in a smirking shock.

“Are you okay, Lindsay? It’s before Noon and you’re up already. Are you ill?”

There was no time to waste. She went over to the couch without saying a word and kissed her firmly on the mouth. Now that felt good.

**

A loud crash from downstairs woke the Nostalgia Critic. He would have just gone back to bed and ignored it but both of them were screaming and he honestly didn’t feel up for having to deal with two mortally wounded psychopaths so early in the morning. So he got changed into his normal clothes as fast as he could marvelling, not for the first time, at the fact that he was the only one in this house to have his sanity still tenuously attached.

When he arrived in the kitchen, it was already a mess. Chester was trying to lie/sprawl face-first on the floor, there was a broken bottle of whisky beside him, Ask That Guy was trying to kick his head in and they were both shouting insults at each other. He should have just stayed in bed.

“Alright, what the hell happened?”

Chester spoke first. “I was in my bed, asleep…”

“That’s the kitchen floor, you load.”

“… And the douche tripped over me. Now he’s all moody,” he finished, going back to sleep. Asshole.

Ask That Guy pouted, crossing his arms. “I hurt myself and my bottle broke.”

He leant against the doorframe. “What would you like me to do about it?”

The other man immediately perked up. A lifetime of experience had taught him that this was never a good sign. “Clean all this up and buy me another one?”

“Dude, I’m not the maid.”

Ask That Guy went back to sulking. “Then you’re just a useless waste of space, aren’t you?”

He ignored him, instead holding up the blessed coffee pot temptingly. “Wouldn’t you rather have coffee?”

“I take it back. You have many good qualities.”

After the coffee was made and he actually felt somewhat alive again, he looked back at Chester’s unconscious form.

“So his destroying-the-world thing was just a phase then?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Ask That Guy replied sarcastically. “Maybe he’s just pretending to be wasted so that he can lull us into a false sense of security.”

The Critic ignored him again, instead focusing on the loud, tingling noise in his ears and the strong smell he had previously thought was just coming from Chester.

“Do you hear or smell that?”

“I hear something annoying and I smell something disgusting but I don’t wish to offend either of you.”

“Fuck you.” Oh, Jesus, he shouldn’t have said that. He was starting to feel insanely horny and what’s worse, he was starting to think of fighting the Nerd again. Not just their normal fighting either, serious stuff that ended up with blood, bruises and fucking on or against the first available surface. Shit, shit, shit.

He shook himself, mentally telling his groin that they’ll enjoy some lesbian porn later if it would just settle down. It really, really didn’t work. Of course, his state didn’t go unnoticed by Ask That Guy, whose hand went under the table and cupped his crotch.

“Having trouble there?”

“Piss off.” Or at least, that’s what he wanted to say. Unfortunately, it came out as more of a whimper than anything else.

Ask That Guy laughed. “You know I’m always up for a quickie but the thing is, I gave a hooker a really good time last night.” His eyes widened in shock. “Oh God, I do hope she’s still alive. All those court cases are making me losing all my money.”

And he was off like a flash, mercifully leaving him alone. Honestly, it wasn’t like he didn’t know that pain and sex went well together and right now, he was definitely willing to get in bed with anyone (although, with the Nerd, he had a feeling that a bed wasn’t really going to enter into the equation). It was just that sex with Ask That Guy was always slightly traumatic, even at the best of times.

So it was after a minute of feeling like he was going to explode if he went without sex any longer that he grabbed the keys from beside the sink and tried to remember the fastest way to the Nerd’s house. But first, he needed to go to the bathroom.

**

Dr. Insano was in the middle of the kind of panicking that would surely get him kicked out of the Evil Scientists Organization if his superiors ever found out when there was a frantic knocking on the door.

Worried that it was going to be an angry husband or a pissed-off wife, he opened the door cautiously. It turned out to be Linkara; a very hot, sweaty, panting Linkara. Emphasis on the hot.

“Could we have sex now?” He obviously didn’t beat around the bush too often.

Before he could get the words out, the other man had the door closed and had him slammed up against the wall. Oh yeah, and he was kissing him.

While he was enjoying it, the part of his brain that still stored a conscience was gnawing at him. Stopping the make-out session and trying to determine whether Linkara was in his right mind was pointless because he very clearly wasn’t. But then again, he had made sure that the pollen wouldn’t force anyone and there was nothing that made it so that he was the one who Linkara needed to have sex with.

Sighing, and feeling more of his evil credibility slipping away, he tore away from the kiss, dragged Linkara to a nearby armchair and held him down.

“Linkara!”

The other man squirmed. “What?”

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing or where you are?”

Linkara rolled his eyes in frustration. “I’m at my archenemy’s house and I’m trying to get laid, obviously.”

He was getting a headache. “Right, and do you have any idea how insane that sounds?”

The bane of his existence’s expression softened, even though it looked like trying to calm himself down was worryingly difficult. “Look, I don’t know what happened, what you did or why I’m so horny but I swear to God, I know what I’m doing. Okay?”

The pleading, puppy-dog-eyes look was out in full force at this point and so he knew he was doomed, no matter what happened. The sneaking hand that had made it down his jeans really wasn’t helping either.

**

The Angry Video Game Nerd was settling down to a good day. He had junk food in the cupboard, plenty of Rolling Rock in the fridge and a whole set of actually-awesome games to play. Just then, there was a screech of tyres followed by a frantic knock at the door. Fan-fucking-tastic.

“Who is it and what the fuck do you want?”

“Who do you think, you idiot? Let me in.”

He should have just ignored his mortal enemy until he fucked off and left him alone but he was curious and always up for a good fight so he opened the door. He didn’t know what to expect but he would have preferred either a punch or to end up laughing as the Nostalgia Critic got himself tangled up in some conveniently placed boxes than what he got; landing on his back from a pounce and getting kissed.

After a few admittedly nice seconds, he remembered what the hell was happening and tore the Critic off him.

“Have you fucking lost your mind?”

The Nostalgia Critic had at least the common decency to look somewhat embarrassed, looking away and biting his lip.

“Did I forget to tell you? I’m really horny so I’d like a fuck, now, please?”

The Nerd tried his best to process this. Needless to say, it didn’t work all that well. But one thing he did know, they would have to change positions. It was Nerd-On-Critic action, after all, not Critic-On-Nerd. It was only fair. However, switching made things even worse, because now he was pinning down an incredibly horny, actually very cute, desperately squirming geek and that was never good.

“Alright,” he managed to choke out. “I ask again, what the hell are you doing?”

He was thinking it took someone with a special talent who could look so frustrated with supposed stupidity and yet still look so needy at the same time.

“Trying to fuck you obviously, dickmunch.”

The Nerd opened his mouth to respond but something got his attention; the Nostalgia Critic had stuff on his eyes. And not just a little like in the Superman countdown, a lot. The mascara was clumpy and the eyeliner was smudged but, godfuckit, he looked good.

“What are you doing with make-up on, you girl?”

The Critic grinned. He sighed inwardly; did his enemy need to have a dimple as well, really? “Because I felt like it, cuntface. Now can we screw or not?”

He made a show of thinking about it. “Well, seeing as how you look vaguely like a hooker anyway, I guess I could show you how it’s done.”

The other man smiled like he had just been told that Christmas had come early, jumped up and took his hand, dragging him upstairs. “I can’t wait.”

**

Both women were up against the wall by the time Nella could make out what was going on. Her best friend, by now only wearing pyjama shorts and her usual bowtie, was pinning her against the hard surface, kissing her furiously and trying to get all her clothes off, not caring if they got ripped in the process.

After a while, she had managed to push the Nostalgia Chick off her slightly. Not because she wanted to, but because she heard that being able to breathe was a good thing.

The Chick didn't see it that way, though, pushing up against her again and undoing her bra. Thinking herself completely insane, she finally managed to push the grabby hands away. There was something wrong here; yes, she knew her friend loved sex but it was usually never desperate.

"What's wrong with you?" the Chick breathed out.

"I was going to ask you the same question." If she could just get them by the phone, she'd be fine. She had a sneaking feeling as to who was to blame for this.

The woman managed to look apologetic, while still of course trying to get her jeans down. "Listen, I'm sorry, okay? But I really need sex and I actually think I might kill myself if I don't get it."

Alright, something was definitely wrong. But she thought fast. She put her arms around the Chick's waist and snuck her hand down her shorts, cupping her ass. There was a smile of satisfaction and she leant in close.

"I promise you'll get great sex, okay? It's just you need to lie down on the couch like a good girl and let me call someone as well, alright?" At the Chick's worried expression, she amended the last bit. "Nobody bad, I just need to clarify a few things."

Pleased, the Chick went to lie down, looking, well, saying she looked sultry might have been a bit of an understatement. Nella straddled her, rubbing one of her nipples slowly to hardness while she called Dr. Insano's strangely registered number.

The phone took ages to get picked up. It's not like she minded, it gave her more time to hook her thumbs into the Chick's shorts, pulling them down slowly and teasingly.

Eventually someone answered, someone familiar and really rather perky. "Here at Dr. Insano's lair, we'll satisfy all your sexual needs, how we may be of service?"

Huh? "Linkara?" She looked down to see if the other woman was curious or not. She wasn't, having it taken upon herself to guide Nella's hand way down there.

There was a scuffle battle on the other end and Dr. Insano won, sounding rather out-of-breath. "Shut up, Linkara. Who is this?"

She giggled despite herself, giving in like a normal slash fan girl. "It's Nella. You know, the Nostalgia Chick's BFF? What's going on there?"

She could almost feel the man's blush down the phone. "Um, nothing much. We're just, uh, fighting like enemies do. Why are you calling, anyway?"

Her best friend's fingers brought her back to the, admittedly very fun, reality. "Uh, the Nostalgia Chick is pretty... needy for sex right now. Like, more than normal. Would you have anything to do with that?"

There was more scuffling. "Oh fuck, she got infected too?"

That stopped her in her tracks. She pinned the Chick's wrists down with her free hand, ignoring her squirms, and suddenly felt sick. "Infected? What do the fuck do you mean, infected?"

"Um, with sex pollen." From the mumbles on his end, it sounded Linkara wanted more sex. She didn't care, she wanted to scream.

"So are you telling me that my best friend isn't in her right mind?"

"No, no, no! - Linkara, in a second, okay? - Nella, listen, yes they want sex badly but they know what they're doing. They know who they're fucking and everything's alright, I promise."

Her stomach stopped twisting and her grip on the annoyed Chick's hands became looser. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. For God's sake, I'm a cartoon villain born out of a crappy Final Fantasy game, you know this."

She sighed in relief. "Okay, alright, have fun then."

But there was hemming and hawing and from the sound of things, a few yelps from where Linkara was being a bit too rough. "So are you two having sex then?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes. Yes, we are." She wanted this conversation to end so she could concentrate on the hot girl underneath her.

"Can we listen in?"

"No. No, you can't."

**

It didn't really matter that Dr. Insano had missed hot girl-on-girl action. First of all, he had Pay-Per-View that he could watch anytime he wanted and secondly, and this was most important, he had hickeys on his neck and a hot man waiting for him in the kitchen.

When he got there, the man in question was sitting on the kitchen counter, with a half-used bottle of lube in one hand and a pack of cherry-flavoured condoms in the other, wearing nothing but his fedora hat and a smile.

"Have he noticed," he said, when Dr. Insano had predatorily placed his hands on his thighs, "that no matter what flavour you get, the only taste you ever get is always violently shitty?"

He rolled his eyes as he pushed the man down and traced his hipbone with his tongue. Sex obviously loosened Linkara's no-swearing policy a bit.

"A price we have to pay for good sex, my dear."

"Less endearments, more fucking."

Really now, who was he not to oblige?

**

Two hours after they had gone upstairs, the Nostalgia Critic and the Angry Video Game Nerd were lying back in bed; the Nerd in a state of blissed-out contentment and the Critic, as was to be expected, satisfied but still hungry for more.

It was just then that the phone rung. The Nerd reached over to get it while the Critic crawled in between his legs.

"Hello?" The girl on the other end sounded out-of-breath, like, say, she had just a vigorous sex session.

"This is the fucking Nerd. Who is this?" The Critic had just experimentally licked the tip of his cock, he didn't really want to multi-task at the moment.

"It's Nella. The Nostalgia Chick's... well, I can't exactly say BFF, can I now, Lindsay?"

There was a muffled giggle which immediately perked his interest, even though he had a hot geek of his own, who was swirling his tongue around his erection very nicely. "What's going on there?"

She sighed in frustration. "Dr. Insano wanted to know as well. You'd think that men who liked to fuck their mortal enemies would just focus on that instead of lesbian action."

He supposed it would be hypocritical to voice his disgust, seeing as how A) it was obvious to everyone that Dr. Insano had been crushing on Linkara and B) he had just thrust his hips higher so that his own enemy could give him a better blowjob. Instead, he focused on the obvious. "What has Dr. Insano got to do with anything?"

The woman swore. "I almost forgot, sorry. Yeah, Dr. Insano infected Linkara with sex pollen, it didn't work out completely as planned and it's likely that the Nostalgia Chick and Critic got infected as well."

He suddenly let go of the Critic's tie - which he had been using as something to hold onto - like it was something diseased.

"Infected? You mean they don't actually want...?" While saying that he and the Nostalgia Critic didn't exactly get along was a major understatement, he liked to think that he was a still decent human being. If it turned out that that he was the only one here who knew what he was doing, he'd hate himself.

"Oh, sweetie, relax. Dr. Insano... he's just not that kind of villain, you know? He's all pathetic and cartoony. Everything's fine, enjoy yourself and it'll wear off by tomorrow."

He relaxed, grabbing the Critic's head again to help him go deeper. "Okay, thank you." He was going to hang up before he thought of something that needed to be addressed. "Hey, how did you know that the Critic was here, anyway?"

"I, uh, Ask That Guy called me. Something about feeling alone because there was a dead hooker in his bed." She paused. "Please don't ask how we went from that topic to the Nostalgia Critic."

She had obviously anticipated his second question, finishing with a clear smirk.

"And I just thought, where would a desperately horny Critic go? Why, to your place, obviously."

"Fuck you." But he didn't mean it, how could he when the hot wetness engulfing his dick was going to make him explode any moment now?

She managed to get out one last bit of conversation before an obviously impatient Nostalgia Chick turned off the phone for her. "No, fuck your boyfriend, honey. And give us the details when you're done, would you?"

What was going to be an eye roll turned out to be his eyes going back in his head, as the Critic flicked his tongue over his balls. When he had encoded "Lick my balls, you piece of shit Nostalgia Critic" in that message ages ago, he hadn't meant it literally.

**

The next day, Dr. Insano woke up in bed alone, to the sounds of a shower being run. After shaking his head clear of its usual early-morning fuzz, he remembered what had just happened and he just rushed off to the bathroom in a panic.

He waited on the toilet for Linkara to finish soon. Finish soon he did and shouted in surprise when he saw a naked man in goggles waiting for him.

"Yah!"

That really wasn't helping. "Sorry."

The other man grabbed a towel. "What's wrong?"

"The fact that you just had a shower?"

Linkara tried his best to process this. "So you would rather me be all stinky?"

He stopped fidgeting. "So it was more hygiene-after-sex than a "I think I've just been raped" thing?"

Linkara's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh God, definitely the first thing." Dr. Insano's smile of relief was a nice one, he had to admit.

He carried on. "You know, I have no idea what you did, I have a feeling that I don't want to either, but you could have always just asked me out like a normal person."

He took the hint. "Want to watch a really shitty science-horror movie with me?"

Linkara took his arm, smiling. "I'd be happy to."

**

Nella woke up in bed with her best friend sprawled over her and asleep. Having guessed that the pollen had worn off by now, she shook her slightly.

"Wha?" the Chick said, grumpily.

"Are you okay?"

The other woman wriggled a little, trying to get comfy. "'m really sore."

So was she. "Hopefully in a good way?"

She looked at her with a grin and bedroom eyes. "Obviously. Now go back to sleep like a good girl."

**

The Angry Video Game Nerd also woke up on his own, having heard the sounds of the TV downstairs. Feeling glad that the Nostalgia Critic hadn't just decided to leave, he groggily changed and went into the living room. The Critic was curled up on the couch, half-dressed and watching Batman cartoons.

He perched on the sofa arm. "So is this a post-coital thing for you?" The other option, that the Critic would hate him even more for, was left unsaid.

The Critic looked over at him, expressionless. "You're an ass."

Fuck. That didn't work. But apologizing would just open a whole different set of issues that he really didn’t want to think about.

Fortunately, the Critic had the solution. “So, what do you think of me now?”

Noticing the other man’s hopeful stare, he said the only thing possible. “I wouldn’t worry; I still and will always think more of the third Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film than I do for you.”

His former enemy looked delighted and sat up. “Wanna fight, fuckmop?”

“I’m always game to beat your ass, bitch.” But before he could stand, the Critic grabbed his shirt and kissed him roughly.

“Later on, alright?”